11:00 p.m. 
As the KJ packs his gear, I will end my live blog. This has been a quite eventful event. There are those who are brave enough to take the stage, and there are also people like me. I am brave enough to sarcastically mock song choices and performances, however, I am not brave enough to publically humiliate myself the way they do. I hope we have learned something tonight: do not karaoke if you can’t sing, please be aware of those around you, and do not touch yourself on stage. Good Night…It’s “Closing Time.”
10:58 p.m.
Correction!
Surprisingly Brittney was trumped by Tonya’s* version of “I Touch Myself,” originally sung by The Divinyls. One, Tonya should never touch herself in public. This is karaoke. Just because the song is about touching oneself, it doesn’t permit you to touch yourself. Tonya makes me want to touch myself…in the head…with a gun.
10:52 p.m.
1. Oops I Did it Again by Brittney Spears
Britney should not have done it the first time. Neither should anyone else.
10:50 p.m.
My clairvoyance has been affirmed. “Friends Low Places” is sung at every karaoke event. I predicted this from the beginning. I have kept a small tally of buckets ordered by the men to our left. I believe it to be four now, that’s 20 beers. Plus, the two shots of Jack Meghan bought them. I feel bad for them.
10:35 p.m.
4. Play That Funky Music White Boy by Casey and the Sunshine Band
Personally I think this was a bad choice because our KJ (karaoke jockey) is defiantly Mexican.
3. Picture by Sheryl Crow and Kid Rock
This song is depressing. When couples perform this song it’s like Daddy just slapped Mommy at the dinner table, and we are all still trying to eat. –as Dane Cook would put it. Not only is it awkward, it causes people to build a mental background story for the couple. I imagine them as rouge bikers.
2. Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-a-lot
Not only the sexual references slightly disturbing I’m unclear how a butt can “go like a turbo jet” Where is it going? However, even white boys get to shout. In fact, I think that is the reason this song is so high on my list. White boys are the only people who sing this song. Hmmm…
10:34 p.m.
Kathy* is not “Killing Me Softly” the way Lauren Hill did. She is driving a stake through my heart via vocals.
10:23 p.m.
Many songs have been sung and I just got my Nachos. Meghan has had 5 Coronas. Jake* is singing. He has slightly increased his popularity with AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long.” There is something about Jake’s performances that makes me want to dance to the point where my hips no longer lie. He has the ability to capture an audience with his alluring dance moves and confident finger points. I hope he sings something by ABBA. Who am I kidding? I just hope he sings again.
Three songs have been added to the Top 10 Worst Karaoke Song List
7. Bitch by Meredith Brooks
The first step is admitting you have a problem. However a Karaoke Bar may not be the best place to seek help. Plus, there is something about screaming profanity that does not sit well with people. Maybe it stems from our wholesome American values. It may be okay to where profanities on a t-shirt, even cute to some people, but not to scream them at the top of your lungs to a guitar riff.
6. One Week by The Bare Naked Ladies ( who are not naked or ladies)
Unless you were previously employed as an auctioneer, One Week is not the song for you. Everybody mumbles when they get to the fastest parts.
Instead of this:
Bert Kaempfert's got the mad hits
You try to match wits, you try to hold me but I bust through
Gonna make a break and take a fake
I'd like a stinkin achin shake
I like vanilla, it's the finest of the flavours
It sounds more like this:
Bert Kaempfert's got the mad hits,
You try to match wits, you try to hold me but I bust through
dad a da a la mmm da
Da la mmm la, it's the finest of the flavours
The song is great, but people seem to loose Karaoke credibility when they attempt this portion. My advice is to perform the song with a friend. When you reach this part of the song, hand over the microphone, you will look like the one that knows what your doing.
5. Summer Nights from the Grease Soundtrack
Simple explanation…
This is a musical:
This is a poor attempt at recreating a musical:
All i'm saying is think twice.
9: 34 p.m.
Bridesmaids take the stage. I assume they are the bridesmaids because of the large print on the front of their shirts. It reads: “Bride’s Bitches” in bright pink letters. They have selected “Love is a Battlefield” by Pat Benatar. I’m confused. Wouldn’t a love song be a better choice? Well I guess the lyric “ I’m trapped by your love” references love… I can’t imagine the rest of the song which highlights “No promises, No demands” is very encouraging either. May I suggest to those of you who choose Karaoke as a pre-wedding party event, choose a wedding party that agrees with your marriage. Perhaps Celine Dion’s “ Because of You” or Shania Twain’s “From this Moment” would have been better choices. I think I will send the “blushing” bride another Jose Cuervo. But I will not send any to her bitches. At least now we understand the shirts. Where the H are my Nachos?
9:03 p.m.
I’m not sure if the songs people choose to sing are reflective of their current feelings or personality. I do know I did not expect the “five Buds for five bucks” boys to sing.
The shorter of the two walked to the stage and held his mike with a quivering hand. He seemed nervous, but not scared. The music started and “The Long December” by the Counting Crows began to play in the background. He was hesitant at first, but now he seems completely overtaken by the music. His performance is mesmerizing. Mesmerizing, in that I want to give him a hug (and a non-alcoholic drink) sort of way. Karaoke should be fun, not sad. Who likes sad? Well, Bartenders like sad, and Kate Winslet likes sad, but Karaoke audiences do not like sad. I think I should order some Nachos.
8:39 p.m.
Over the last nineteen minutes I have (with help of those around me) composed a list of the top ten worst Karaoke songs. I will post them in sets of three until one of the performers reveals number one.
10. Y.M.C.A. by the Village People.
Anything that involves group participation and hand movements is a BIG no-no. Drinks will be spilled, pants may be ruined, and ears may bleed. Y.M.C.A. should be played at football games or at Bar mitzvahs; not sung at a bar. It may also be played at youth events as a shameless plug, but again not at a bar.
9. I Will Always Love You by Whitney Huston
I love Whitney Huston as much as the next person. And, in her pre Bobby Brown days, she produced beautiful music. However, one must take in to account that Whitney Huston had a rare talent: She could actually sing! Trying to imitate her is almost as disgraceful as Jessica Simpson’s cover of “Take my Breath Away.”
8. Redneck Woman by Gretchen Wilson
This song evokes my inner most desire to move to New Hampshire. Something about the idea of keeping Christmas lights on the porch all year makes me want to pack a U-Haull and drive far, far, away. I wonder if the women who perform this song know that there are people watching them. Or the stereotype they are solidifying is a bad one.
8:20 p.m.
When I heard that Kathy* was planning to sing “Unfaithful” by Rhianna I thought It might be fun if we sang along…
I only hope that Kathy’s boyfriend did not follow her to the bar tonight. That could be messy. Wait…I hope Kathy’s boyfriend followed her to the bar tonight.
8:07 p.m.
A slender tall man takes the stage. Bless his brave soul for volunteering to sing before he has had a chance to feel out the competition. Will he excite us, baffle us, or sadden us? He looks as if entertainment will soon seep through his quiet exterior and Cher will emerge. Wrong, he chose “Welcome to the Jungle.” As I sit listening to his wicked version of this classic, I am awed. I’m not sure if it was the best song choice, however, I would like to see what else he offers throughout the night. Therefore I will call him Jake*. He doesn’t really look like a Jake, which will further protect his identity.
7:52 p.m.
Here we are…ground zero. I say “we” meaning you my audience, and my friend Meghan, who I bribed with the promise of free Coronas if she would accompany me to the bar tonight. We have situated ourselves stage left to ensure the best viewing experience. To our right is a bachelorette party, whom I hope will provide plenty of fodder. No, I know they will. In fact, I think I will order them a round of Jose just to be sure. Maybe they share some of the same qualities as Shelly West.
To our left, three young men who recently ordered a “five Buds for five bucks” bucket.
The karaoke binders have been distributed, and frankly, I’m excited! I am also ready to be entertained. So, sit back, grab a cool refreshing beverage, and prepare or maybe brace yourself for an…experience. The fun begins at 8:00 pm!
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.
As the KJ packs his gear, I will end my live blog. This has been a quite eventful event. There are those who are brave enough to take the stage, and there are also people like me. I am brave enough to sarcastically mock song choices and performances, however, I am not brave enough to publically humiliate myself the way they do. I hope we have learned something tonight: do not karaoke if you can’t sing, please be aware of those around you, and do not touch yourself on stage. Good Night…It’s “Closing Time.”
10:58 p.m.
Correction!
Surprisingly Brittney was trumped by Tonya’s* version of “I Touch Myself,” originally sung by The Divinyls. One, Tonya should never touch herself in public. This is karaoke. Just because the song is about touching oneself, it doesn’t permit you to touch yourself. Tonya makes me want to touch myself…in the head…with a gun.
10:52 p.m.
1. Oops I Did it Again by Brittney Spears
Britney should not have done it the first time. Neither should anyone else.
10:50 p.m.
My clairvoyance has been affirmed. “Friends Low Places” is sung at every karaoke event. I predicted this from the beginning. I have kept a small tally of buckets ordered by the men to our left. I believe it to be four now, that’s 20 beers. Plus, the two shots of Jack Meghan bought them. I feel bad for them.
10:35 p.m.
4. Play That Funky Music White Boy by Casey and the Sunshine Band
Personally I think this was a bad choice because our KJ (karaoke jockey) is defiantly Mexican.
3. Picture by Sheryl Crow and Kid Rock
This song is depressing. When couples perform this song it’s like Daddy just slapped Mommy at the dinner table, and we are all still trying to eat. –as Dane Cook would put it. Not only is it awkward, it causes people to build a mental background story for the couple. I imagine them as rouge bikers.
2. Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-a-lot
Not only the sexual references slightly disturbing I’m unclear how a butt can “go like a turbo jet” Where is it going? However, even white boys get to shout. In fact, I think that is the reason this song is so high on my list. White boys are the only people who sing this song. Hmmm…
10:34 p.m.
Kathy* is not “Killing Me Softly” the way Lauren Hill did. She is driving a stake through my heart via vocals.
10:23 p.m.
Many songs have been sung and I just got my Nachos. Meghan has had 5 Coronas. Jake* is singing. He has slightly increased his popularity with AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long.” There is something about Jake’s performances that makes me want to dance to the point where my hips no longer lie. He has the ability to capture an audience with his alluring dance moves and confident finger points. I hope he sings something by ABBA. Who am I kidding? I just hope he sings again.
Three songs have been added to the Top 10 Worst Karaoke Song List
7. Bitch by Meredith Brooks
The first step is admitting you have a problem. However a Karaoke Bar may not be the best place to seek help. Plus, there is something about screaming profanity that does not sit well with people. Maybe it stems from our wholesome American values. It may be okay to where profanities on a t-shirt, even cute to some people, but not to scream them at the top of your lungs to a guitar riff.
6. One Week by The Bare Naked Ladies ( who are not naked or ladies)
Unless you were previously employed as an auctioneer, One Week is not the song for you. Everybody mumbles when they get to the fastest parts.
Instead of this:
Bert Kaempfert's got the mad hits
You try to match wits, you try to hold me but I bust through
Gonna make a break and take a fake
I'd like a stinkin achin shake
I like vanilla, it's the finest of the flavours
It sounds more like this:
Bert Kaempfert's got the mad hits,
You try to match wits, you try to hold me but I bust through
dad a da a la mmm da
Da la mmm la, it's the finest of the flavours
The song is great, but people seem to loose Karaoke credibility when they attempt this portion. My advice is to perform the song with a friend. When you reach this part of the song, hand over the microphone, you will look like the one that knows what your doing.
5. Summer Nights from the Grease Soundtrack
Simple explanation…
This is a musical:
This is a poor attempt at recreating a musical:
All i'm saying is think twice.
9: 34 p.m.
Bridesmaids take the stage. I assume they are the bridesmaids because of the large print on the front of their shirts. It reads: “Bride’s Bitches” in bright pink letters. They have selected “Love is a Battlefield” by Pat Benatar. I’m confused. Wouldn’t a love song be a better choice? Well I guess the lyric “ I’m trapped by your love” references love… I can’t imagine the rest of the song which highlights “No promises, No demands” is very encouraging either. May I suggest to those of you who choose Karaoke as a pre-wedding party event, choose a wedding party that agrees with your marriage. Perhaps Celine Dion’s “ Because of You” or Shania Twain’s “From this Moment” would have been better choices. I think I will send the “blushing” bride another Jose Cuervo. But I will not send any to her bitches. At least now we understand the shirts. Where the H are my Nachos?
9:03 p.m.
I’m not sure if the songs people choose to sing are reflective of their current feelings or personality. I do know I did not expect the “five Buds for five bucks” boys to sing.
The shorter of the two walked to the stage and held his mike with a quivering hand. He seemed nervous, but not scared. The music started and “The Long December” by the Counting Crows began to play in the background. He was hesitant at first, but now he seems completely overtaken by the music. His performance is mesmerizing. Mesmerizing, in that I want to give him a hug (and a non-alcoholic drink) sort of way. Karaoke should be fun, not sad. Who likes sad? Well, Bartenders like sad, and Kate Winslet likes sad, but Karaoke audiences do not like sad. I think I should order some Nachos.
8:39 p.m.
Over the last nineteen minutes I have (with help of those around me) composed a list of the top ten worst Karaoke songs. I will post them in sets of three until one of the performers reveals number one.
10. Y.M.C.A. by the Village People.
Anything that involves group participation and hand movements is a BIG no-no. Drinks will be spilled, pants may be ruined, and ears may bleed. Y.M.C.A. should be played at football games or at Bar mitzvahs; not sung at a bar. It may also be played at youth events as a shameless plug, but again not at a bar.
9. I Will Always Love You by Whitney Huston
I love Whitney Huston as much as the next person. And, in her pre Bobby Brown days, she produced beautiful music. However, one must take in to account that Whitney Huston had a rare talent: She could actually sing! Trying to imitate her is almost as disgraceful as Jessica Simpson’s cover of “Take my Breath Away.”
8. Redneck Woman by Gretchen Wilson
This song evokes my inner most desire to move to New Hampshire. Something about the idea of keeping Christmas lights on the porch all year makes me want to pack a U-Haull and drive far, far, away. I wonder if the women who perform this song know that there are people watching them. Or the stereotype they are solidifying is a bad one.
8:20 p.m.
When I heard that Kathy* was planning to sing “Unfaithful” by Rhianna I thought It might be fun if we sang along…
I only hope that Kathy’s boyfriend did not follow her to the bar tonight. That could be messy. Wait…I hope Kathy’s boyfriend followed her to the bar tonight.
8:07 p.m.
A slender tall man takes the stage. Bless his brave soul for volunteering to sing before he has had a chance to feel out the competition. Will he excite us, baffle us, or sadden us? He looks as if entertainment will soon seep through his quiet exterior and Cher will emerge. Wrong, he chose “Welcome to the Jungle.” As I sit listening to his wicked version of this classic, I am awed. I’m not sure if it was the best song choice, however, I would like to see what else he offers throughout the night. Therefore I will call him Jake*. He doesn’t really look like a Jake, which will further protect his identity.
7:52 p.m.
Here we are…ground zero. I say “we” meaning you my audience, and my friend Meghan, who I bribed with the promise of free Coronas if she would accompany me to the bar tonight. We have situated ourselves stage left to ensure the best viewing experience. To our right is a bachelorette party, whom I hope will provide plenty of fodder. No, I know they will. In fact, I think I will order them a round of Jose just to be sure. Maybe they share some of the same qualities as Shelly West.To our left, three young men who recently ordered a “five Buds for five bucks” bucket.
The karaoke binders have been distributed, and frankly, I’m excited! I am also ready to be entertained. So, sit back, grab a cool refreshing beverage, and prepare or maybe brace yourself for an…experience. The fun begins at 8:00 pm!
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.
2 Comments:
100% agree that couples shouldn't sing "Picture," just like guys should never dedicate that "Lips of an Angel" song to their girlfriends. Inability to listen to and comprehend lyrics is a major pet-peeve of mine.
Nice Grease reference. That video (or at least the thirty seconds I could bear to watch) was fantastic.
I was sad to finish this live blog post. You did such a great job of setting the scene and introducing us to the characters! Now I really want to go watch some karaoke! Thanks for posting!
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